Dear Sister

If I could I would

I scan my brain looking for exact words but nothing quite covers the range of complicated thoughts and emotions I would say if I knew how to convey it all to you. I sit somewhere between making an apology tour and wanting to say “Goddamn you, how dare you leave me at my worst!”. With over ten consecutive years of silence I find it hard to believe that we will ever speak again. I suppose the distance between us was the biggest culprit behind the demise of our relationship-besides all of the obvious things like my temper towards yourself and mom when she was still alive. I find it impossible to be rational as I open up about everything that bothers me about you, about me, about our broken family. I have excuses, I have feelings, I have genuine remorse, I have pain, above all I have questions. Some of which I could probably guess the answers to, but none of these answers are certain.

When I think back to what I can remember before we stopped speaking I remember a version of me that was quite lonely and afraid. A scared twenty-one year old child who felt he had no purpose on this planet or real worth as a human being. Someone who fed off of the drama and loved to fly off the handle whenever someone offended him. More than anything, I think about a kid who didn’t know how to express his pain appropriately. “I felt like you violated my boundaries”, “That really hurt me when he/she/they did X or Y”. But I could not and would not be civil. I was so clouded by baggage from the past that I did not know how to move on and that remains true somewhat even to this day. The difference is that the amount of growing I have done would shock you if I were given an opportunity to show you that I can be a better man, now at the age of thirty-two.

When I found out that Jack and Joy told our mom about me hitting my adoptive mother Kerry at seventeen, it absolutely devastated me. The complete lack of consideration for my feelings by sharing this information without my consent, how that would affect me and how that would impact my relationship with both you and my mother caused serious harm and infuriated me. The results of this only prove that I was right to be so concerned about the sharing of this information. I was deeply ashamed of my behavior and wanted to hide my misconduct from the family, because it was truly such dark and awful saga from my life. I had already went to jail and paid my price, I did not want to experience more pain especially years after the fact. So off I went, sending the most ugly letter I could manage to Jack and Joy for disrespecting me so brazenly. I did not realize at the time what an unhinged person this must have made me appear until years after the fact.

Then the icing on the cake; the drunken incident from December, 2014. That was the straw that broke the camel’s back. I practically guzzled down three Long island Iced Teas and I was gone. The world spun around me, brain full of euphoria then before I knew it, darkness. Then, like clips from a film I remember little bits and pieces like mom crying, calling mom and dad to come get us. It was over more quickly than it began and the rest is history. I don’t know where all of that hatred came from when I spoke to her other than unhealed wounds from a mother whom I felt had damaged me by being absent through so much of my life. I didn’t even remember what I said I just know from what I was told that it came bleeding out like a leaking pen with black ink spewing and spitting about every which way. I never meant for that to happen and was deeply embarassed and ashamed by my behavior that day! I wanted to take it all back, just as I would have with assaulting my other mother.

Then after this incident, mom (though well intentioned) told you what had happened and I knew it was only a matter of time. After she told you and you stopped talking to me, I once again felt hurt and damaged and so because I was still in contact with Victoria, our younger sister, I vented to her about some of the things that had been done to me by mom. I swear to you when I say that I did not know what the results of that would be, but apparently based on what I told her, she saw fit to never speak to Mom again. I know the way these events line up make it seem impossible, but that was not my intention to have that happen. I was venting to her in much the same way that mom vented to you. I never could let go of how Mom speaking to you cost me our relationship, so every time we started talking again the anger of this indiscretion kept bubbling up. Once again I could not let it go. It bothered me for years! But the inner conflict within came from the fact that Mom was still mom and I still cared about her. So I kept trying to keep it together but could not separate her in my mind from the woman who had destroyed our connection by telling you what happened.

I hate you because the price I am paying (your silence) seems a bit steep for this long as many things can change with a person in that timeframe. It almost seems though that it wasn’t much of a loss anyway, as how can one have a relationship with someone who can not be enough of an adult to come to a person with whom they have problems and say “Hey, that really bothered me when you did X or Y!”? I feel as though it could have been more of a learning experience if we could have had a conversation about the things I did which had concerned you so much. My heart still aches from your absense against my will and on some level I’m glad you’re gone! I tried to tell mom about everything that upset me but she would not make herself available enough for me to get this stuff off of my chest. The fact that you inserted yourself into a situation in which you were not present bothered me and caused me to be angry with you. It seemed unfair that you should play the part of judge and jury in a conflict which you were not present for.

I hope that one day I can let go of you forever so that I don’t feel connected to someone who does not nor ever did seem to care about me the same way that I cared for them. Love hurts and I have had a hard time trusting people since you left. Mom said you were confused why I would keep being friendly only to lash out at her again, but that shows you do not possess the capability to understand the complexity of human emotion to the extent of having conflicting emotions about a person. I don’t know why it is so difficult for me to let go of you. I guess this post is just my way of trying. I now suspect the numbness I feel comes from losing you. I miss you, I hate you, I love you. My biggest problem is that I just want to make peace and move forward but I can’t, so I’m stuck with these ugly feelings. Goodbye, probably forever, bitch!