Memorabilia

Some Of The Things We Hold Onto Keep Us Sick.

I hold onto the past like it was something worth remembering, but like a drug addiction I cannot live honestly while still being grimy. So too it must also be true that I cannot stand with one foot in the past and one pointed towards the future. As kids, we had Tomagatchis, pet rocks, stuffed animals, hot wheels cars and rabbits’ paws for to hold onto for good luck. Today as adults, these things we recognize as childish superstition that serves no real purpose. My goal is to get through life with as few crutches as possible. But support is not a crutch. Therapy, support groups and family are all here to help us move past the parts of ourselves that we secretly hate. Pain hurts for a reason, it helps us feel because numbness isn’t an option.

I’d rather cry, write a rant or blast my favorite rap and metal songs in my car all alone than have no reaction at all. I’d rather feel the pain than be affected by nothing. If it hurts too much than I want it to stop but if it doesn’t hurt at all than I feel empty inside. I’m at war within myself and I don’t know why. I love intensity, passion, anything that makes me feel alive. I guess the purpose behind the pain is to write it here where someone can feel me through a computer or phone screen. If you’re reading this right now, you’re my favorite outlaw. You get what it means to need something and not just want it. You want to think, to feel and learn but never to know for sure.

Let Linkin Park, Rise Against, Immortal Technique, Vinnie Paz, Burzum and Immortal be the soundtrack to my suffering. Let my soul bleed out so my body can live. Thank God for giving me a brain that makes me go crazy. The same one that anchors me to reality while simultaneously making me retarded. I’m in my own universe but you’re in my orbit. Let the angsty teen inside of you grow up and stay immature at the same time as you fight the world and allow it to win. Enjoy the fight but never lose sight of the fact that it was just for fun and that it was always your choice.